If someone says…
“I have good news and I have bad news…”
we almost always choose the bad news first.
It doesn’t actually make the bad bit any better
but somehow ending on the good feels better.
Kind of like dessert after you eat your soggy vegetables.
So here is the bad news first:
If you want a great relationship
you are going to have to do the work.
Like every day.
You can’t opt out just because you don’t feel like it.
You can’t opt out just because other people are being difficult.
You can’t opt out because it is their turn to go first this time.
You have to show up every day bringing your best game.
No matter what.
That is why it is called ‘the work’.
This week I was coaching a client
and they shared with me how hard the work is.
They want so desperately for their partner to show up differently
before they are willing to show up differently.
But guess what?
Their partner is waiting too.
Nobody is going first.
And their relationship is crumbling around them.
Both are feeling scarred up by old wounds -
reluctant to give any more without some guarantees.
It is a slippery slope to wait for someone to do the things you need or want or crave
before you are willing to do the things they need or want or crave.
A lot of waiting happens in relationships
and during all that waiting time, hope and connection gets lost.
This is what happens if you are only willing to do the work conditionally
or insist they do the work at the exact same time and way as you.
If you use the relationship formula,
then you know the elements of it are pretty simple.
E + V + C = H
Show up with light masculine or feminine ENERGY,
honour their highest VALUE (either freedom or safety)
and give them their relationship CURRENCY
(appreciation and trust or connection and protection).
Three simple, albeit not always easy, steps.
Energy + Value + Currency = Happy Relationships
But are you willing to give these 3 things when your relationship gets hard?
Are you willing to do the work when they don’t?
Are you willing to do the work even you when you would really
rather just lash out, judge their lousy behaviour, hurt them back or run away?
If in these moments, you reach for the relationship formula
instead of reacting or giving in to your old patterns or habits
then you can begin create real change.
A brand new pathway for your relationship to walk down.
Because relationship change is not a one-hit wonder.
It is not a formula you do once and then use never again.
If you want to change the trajectory of a struggling relationship.
in the very moment when you see yourself heading down that old,
familiar rabbit hole where you last fight was held,
this is the moment where the work, works.
It doesn't matter what the challenge in your life might be.
You name it.
You usually know what to do.
But you get stuck in the how.
We all do.
So ask for help.
To doing the work,
This is my favourite topic to train or speak on at events.
If you planning an upcoming event or conference with people
looking to up-level their relationship skills, I would love to connect.