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find your result below.
10/10 - I pretty much covered this already. This is the ultimate relationship. If you rate your relationship 10/10 you do not need a re-set. It is consistently really, really good and yay you for cultivating one that gives you so much joy. Keep doing what your doing! In fact, if your relationship is a 10/10 you should probably be teaching others your secrets.
8-9/10 - Your relationship is heathy and happy. This is not a relationship in trouble and conflict, when it arises, it dealt with respectfully, easily and quickly. You use words like “awesome”, “amazing” and “so lucky” to describe your relationship. This is good news. You do not need a relationship re-set but rather, stay conscious and present to what it is you do that makes this relationship so good. What are your habits and rituals? These are important to note so you keep doing them. Often.
6-7/10 - Your relationship is “pretty good” but it contains a “But…” When asked about your relationship you can be found saying “It’s great but….” and there you will the one thing that is not great. Maybe you have one fight over and over. Maybe it is an intimacy issue. Maybe there is one really bad habit one of you does. Maybe there is a toxic extended family member that gets in the way of your bliss. There is something. This “but” is important to investigate. It is not destroying your relationship “but” it is eroding it and over time, these but will get bigger and other “buts” will likely follow. You would benefit from a relationship re-set and learning the tools to overcome the “but” and how to move your relationship into the 8-10 range.
4-5/10 - Your relationship is in trouble. When you describe your relationship you are more likely to cite the things you do not like more than the good in it. A relationship at this level is struggling and there are multiple conflicts and multiple issues. There is likely still love and commitment but the tension and “tough days” are wearing you down. Your relationship is getting exhausting and you are wondering if it might be too much “work”. This is most definitely time for a relationship re-set so you can uncover what is creating so much pathology and unhappiness. This is a relationship at risk. It is not necessarily a given, but people in a relationship with this rating often consider cheating, checking out or simply leaving. This re-set is not a quick fix so if you want this relationship to be significantly better, be prepared to “do the work” which means examining all the ways you contribute to the health or unhealthy of this relationship.
2-3/10 - This relationship is in serious trouble. In relationships with 4-7 ratings, there are often strong emotions. People are hurt, angry, confused and upset. Big time. In the 2-3 range there is often the opposite of that - the silent killer of relationships in fact. Apathy. In this range you are becoming too tired to even care. “Working” on it has become exhausting and since you are not seeing results, one or both of you are seriously considering giving up on it getting any better. This relationship is in the metaphorical “ICU” and quality of life discussions are on the table. This is a relationship that should likely die. Again, metaphorically speaking. No one should kill anyone here even if you have fantasized about it. What I mean by “die” is that this relationship needs to be completely re-designed. “Die” in its existing form as it were. Far more than just re-set. It is truly on the brink of imploding and will take a lot of work to break all the old patterns, beliefs, habits and wounds that were created for it to get this bad. To note: relationships that emerge from the “ICU” are completely unrecognizable and as an reward for doing all this work, also practically invincable in it's new reincarnation.
0/10 - I covered this too. This is as bad as it gets. Most people who rate their relationship at 0 are usually lying. It is actually much worse than 0. Like -10. It is extremely rare for a relationship at 0 to recover and get back to 8-10. There is just too much damage. I am not saying it can’t be done. It can but it will require everything you’ve got. You will have to master and re-learn everything you think you know about relationships, other people and yourself. Communication. Emotional intelligence. Sensitivity. Love. Trust. Connection. Respect. Kindness. Compassion. Forgiveness. You name it. It will all be all the table. If you commit to such a task, know it is a warrior’s journey. It is not for the faint of heart but should you emerge victorious, you will not only be a warrior, you will also be an alchemist. All levels of relationship health call for some degree of personal transformation but this by far requires the most.
Okay so now you know where you stand.
The truth is you knew all along but now just assessed with a number we can measure.
I know it is arbitrary but my experience is it is also accurate.
If I asked you how happy you are out of 10 you would be able to give me a number so in the spirit of trusting your own self-assessment, trust that this is in fact an accurate picture of your relationship today. It is your now place.
Totally reasonable to be wondering what your next logical step is.
As in most things in life, you have options.
Here are three:
Door #1 - Note it.
In this case, keep your assessment number of a snapshot of today. Note today’s date and keep an eye on your number. If it gets lower, take action. If it stays the same or gets higher, note that too. Just by paying attention to your relationship is in itself an action.
Door #2 - Learn.
Most of us never took any relationship courses or read any books or attended any relationship seminars before we entered into relationships with other people. When you think of it, it is not all that surprising that get a little bumpy with little or no training whatsoever. But luckily there are TONS of resources out there on how to have great relationships. Explore. Google. Learn.
Door #3 - Ask for help.
Relationships with other humans is inherently risky no matter how you slice it. The minute you get close to someone you are opening yourself to being hurt. The same vulnerability that allows you deep connection, it also the same weapon that can be used to hurt you. Kind of Catch 22. But with right right tools, strategies and framework, they can get a whole lot easier but it will require that vulnerability thing again, asking for help. There are a number of ways I help people in relationships: private coaching, group coaching, online learning and live events. One way to know what is right for you is for us to conversation and explore some options. Pop me an email to request a time slot in my calendar.
Whichever option you choose know this: deciding is powerful. Deciding is good and if by chance you find yourself wishing you had chosen another door, give yourself permission to change your mind.
I am right here if you need me.
Until we connect next, I will leave you with one of my favourite quotes: