If you spend anytime on social media
- or really any media for that mater -
there is no shortage
of inspired quotes with motivational sayings to live by.
I confess, I am a collector of great quotes myself.
I bet you have your own fav’s of quotes, movie lines
or excerpts from speeches that you know in an instant who said them.
But like anything, a quote is only really useful if it inspires action.
Here is one I love:
“Your enemy is expectation. Your ally is detachment”
Ah…. the art of detachment.
I spend a lot of time coaching on this with my private clients.
Think about it, when it comes to the humans in your life
how often have you been upset about something
someone has said or done
that was not what you thought they should say or do in that situation.
The “should” here is key.
This is expectation.
Anytime you have a should rolling around in your head,
it is a recipe for disaster.
“They should have called me”
“I should have gotten the promotion”
“They should have invited me”
“They should have sent a gift”
“They should have asked me”
And a million other “should-have’s” we can think of. When we think in ‘should-have’s’ we are imposing what we think is the “right” or “proper” or “appropriate” or even “kind” thing to do.
I might even agree with your but whatever we think is “right” is based on our own values, beliefs and moral compass. And when we impose what we think it is “supposed to be” we pass judgement on anyone who might have a different way of seeing or doing things.
And the world is filled with crappy ways people are handling value conflicts right now.
The solution? Detachment.
This where you can practice not being attached to how or what or when something happens. Instead of expectation, you embody “expectancy” meaning an energy of what you hope will happen without getting “attached” to all the details.
Take a simple date with a friend.
You really want to get together and you are only free Tuesday so it must be Tuesday. And you really want to go to your favourite restaurant because you really love it there. And you do not want to drive so you want your friend to pick you up. And there is this movie you really want to see after dinner. And you have a favourite place you like to sit in the theatre. And you really want to share the popcorn. And you want to go for coffee after to de-brief. And you really want it to be at your favourite coffee shop….and….
Can you see the problem with this scenario? How many places can you spot the expectation? This example might seem far-fetched but I challenge you to think of the last time you were attached to how or when or where something had to go and when it didn’t go your way, you were upset. This is expectation and disappointment is right around the corner when people fail to meet them. Especially if they have no idea you even have them!
Expectancy or detachment does not have rules. Expectancy is an energy that is simply excited to be getting together. An expectancy that it will be fun no matter what you do or where you go or what activity rolls out where. This allows for space. This honours that two people might have an idea of what might be awesome or desired in this shared experience. There is no attachment but instead the space to simply connect without any judgement or terms of how it ‘should” go.
Can you not ask for what you want?
Just don’t be attached….
To staying open,