Bio.

There are lots of ways to write a bio.
I could share what I do.
Where I learned to do it.
Even why I like to do it.
But I am not going to.

Instead I am going to tell you a story
about how I got here.

I feel peace in my heart today
but that was not always the case.

I grew up in a regular kind of family.
Dysfunctions for sure like most
but nothing too radical or unusual really.
And yet as I have sifted through my childhood
with an obsessive kind of psycho-analysis
I have noticed some patterns.

Patterns of wanting to be liked, accepted and loved.
I made a lot of decisions with that as my goal.
Some really bad ones as you might guess.
People-pleasing decisions.
Afraid of rejection if I didn’t agree
or say yes kind of decisions.
I said yes to things that left me feeling icky,
and stupid and ashamed and pathetic.

I did a lot of pretending.
I pretended to be happy and got really good at faking my smile so it looked real.
I pretended to be happily married when I was anything but.
I pretended to have my shit together in a life-coach imposter kind of way.
I pretended to have money when my credit cards were higher than my savings.

I am not sure when I stopped.
I do not remember the moment itself.
But I remember noticing the feeling of saying no
and not being afraid of what would happen next.

It began simply by choosing different yeses.
True yeses.
Not yes because I should, I could or able yeses.
But yeses because I want to.

In these small but mighty steps I found myself on a new quest.
A quest to find a place I could call happy.
Like inside myself.
Around myself.
With myself.

It’s a good place.
Mind you, I took the long and winding road.

Maybe you are on that road.
Let me walk with you awhile.
I show you the short cuts I know
and together we can find the humour,
the wisdom, the lessons and the joy in it all.

Peace in your heart is good.

–Beth Hanishewski